Prime advertising space is getting harder to find than the mental compass of some Presidential candidates.


Yes, we're not safe even in space

Yes, we’re not safe even in space

We started seeing ads covering buildings, in menus and on airplanes. That means finding every available space to try and sell you something, but after a few drinks in first class, has anyone ever ordered a garden gnome from the in-flight ad magazine?

A certain airline will now sell the blank space on their airsickness bags. When you feel the need to use one, do you want to read about Pepto-Bismol or take it?

The in-flight announcements will change:

“This is your Captain speaking. On behalf of American United Airlines welcome aboard flight one two four to London, where tickets to the West End production ‘Iron Lady’ the story of Margaret Thatcher starring Marty Feldman, is available from our cabin crew, all graduates of the ‘Fly by Night and Day Academy ‘When you want a career dealing with cramped and hungry people.’

“Since this is snack flight, a complimentary tiny package of Sun Maid Raisins and Planters Peanuts will be your dinner, so you may want to stop at Jimmies Bangers and Mash located just outside the airport. Make a left at Avis Rent-A Car. Avis; whether you’re a business client or an ordinary traveler, we’ll still charge you 7 dollars a gallon to fill it up.

Folks, Weather dot com tells us today’s flight will take us through clear skies but if for some unforeseen reason it does get rough, start reciting the ‘Prayer a Day’ message in your seat pocket brought to you by the ‘Brothers of the Skies Ministries’.

Our takeoff is sponsored by the law firm of Smith Schwartz and Schmutz. If anyone can get you off better than American United, it’s us! Smith Schwartz and Schmutz; getting people off for 25 years.

Our flight crew will instruct you in case of a loss of cabin pressure if we do lose pressure, that loss will be underwritten by Xanax. ‘Don’t worry, be happy with Xanax.’

One thing I wouldn’t worry about would be the possible side effects or allergic reactions like difficulty breathing, closing of the throat or swelling of the lips. Those would be due to the lack of oxygen, not the Xanax. The side effects of the Xanax could include a change in vision and if it does, visit the Seymour Butts optometry clinic located on the mezzanine level when we land.

Lesser side effects could include dizziness and/or depression. On the other hand those symptoms could occur from the panicked look on the crew’s faces if the plane hits an air pocket. Did I mention they’re graduates of the Fly by Night and Day Academy?

So sit back, relax and enjoy the movie, ‘Snakes on a Plane’, a high concept horror/action film released by New Line Cinema. Hope you enjoy! I’m busy taking instrument readings in the cockpit of this Boeing 767 so this message was recorded earlier today in the Schmitzlik studios where ‘Audio production is king’. Oh, by the way, please try to have the correct change for the crew, they’re graduates of the ….you know.