The Commission on Presidential Debates has announced their rules for the upcoming debate between Clinton and Trump. The Trump camp argued for the rules committee to meet at a Trump managed hotel where they would get a ‘really great’ off season rate for the day if they would only make a sizable donation to the Trump Foundation. The Clinton camp argued for a meeting in her home at Chappaqua because she had ‘plenty of room’ in the basement where the extra servers had been housed.

Halfway through the rules committee meeting an argument broke out about the venue, Hofstra University. Trump thought it was ‘Hoffa’ University and that since he was against organized labor it would give an edge to Clinton. He was calmed down by a phalanx of attorneys.

According to the candidates wishes a coin toss will determine who comes out on stage first. The Trump camp would like to use a coin with trump’s head on one side and his daughter Ivanka’s rear on the other. The Clinton camp (Bill) wants to examine the coin.

Each candidate will be given 2 minutes to answer the moderator’s question which will be chosen by the moderator a week prior to the debate. The Clinton camp insisted that each time Trump goes over the time limit for an answer, he will have to reveal 10 pages of his latest tax return. For their part, the Trump camp argued for an Appellate Court judge to decide if Clinton has answered a question truthfully.

Although the NRA lobbied for 2 months, there will be no guns in the room.

Trump has the right to interrupt Clinton up to 10 times but at least 50% of those must be factually based interruptions. For her part, Clinton may refute the interruptions and seek immediate advice from up to 3 lawyers for the campaign.

Third party candidates Gary Johnson and Jill Stein failed to qualify for the debates but will have seats near the stage. During the debate, based on their amount of followers, they’ll each have one opportunity to yell “I wouldn’t do it like that” to the candidates.

Trump protested the first debate’s date because of a conflict with Monday night football as he had pre-ordered the Squab terrine with pistachio and calvados and Aleppo seed-crusted scallop tray with a side of hot wings and Pounty Snout white sturgeon caviar supplement from Daniel on the upper East side and could not get his deposit back and a lawsuit would get him so far down the reservation list that he couldn’t even think about dining at the private inner sanctum known as “The Skybox” so he could glance at the kitchen below and hear his favorite chef roar “Ordering two asperge blanche! Pick-up four langoustines!” Such is life for the nouveau riche.

Clinton’s camp specified that if Matt Lauer’s name is mentioned in any way, they won’t show.