In the wake of tremendous negative publicity, the NRA proposed a new series of initiatives that would soothe citizen fears.

“It’s simple” said NRA spokesperson Jimmy ‘shooter’ McClanahan, “The public should not be able to read about any future killings. Newspapers, TV and the internet media should ‘self-censor’ so that Americans are not troubled by the news. This would be a public service. Relative to the population at large, being killed should be the last thing on the average person’s mind.”

“More people die doing a crossword puzzle than choking on chicken bones” said NRA advocate Lyle ‘big guns’ Johnson “so sitting in your easy chair can be fatal to your health. I read that on the internet.”

NRA president Wayne LaPierre, in a press release stated “We’re like the ‘de facto’ 4th branch of government and as such, we’re proposing restrictions on knives and other means of self-defense. Guns are the primary weapon of choice, so why use anything else. The ’knife lobby’ is virtually non-existent anyway.

Bringing a knife to a gun fight is like flying to the moon on a Frisbee. Theoretically it can happen but don’t count on it.”

With a metaphorical gun to their back, lawmakers decided to continue raking in money from the powerful NRA lobby as opposed to protecting citizens from rampant use of assault weapons by those placed on a terror watch list in the last 5 years.