With the obesity epidemic growing faster than demand for any new Apple product, America needs to control the problem in its own inimitable way; a quick clever fix.

Fix 1: It could mean altering the clothing size labels in Chinese factories so the ‘L’ for ‘Large’ will be changed to ‘XL’. Those who have bought XL sizes will now buy ‘Large’ which would be sort of an indication that they’ve lost weight. Simple, elegant!

Fix 2: have the Senate Committee on ‘Safe Nutritional and Consumable Know-how’ (SNACK) issue a statement on snacking in America. Funded by PepsiCo and Kraft it will prove beyond a doubt that not only is ‘snacking’ fun and healthy but with every purchase of ‘Nutter Butter’ or ‘Chips Ahoy’ you’ll help the country’s economic expansion while adding to your own. That’s what we call a ‘Nuclear spin’.

The Country’s theme parks also know this and as a result have ‘expanded’ their outreach to ‘oversize Americans’

Among the popular new exhibits;

A healthier lifestyle display shows kids the dangers of fatty foods by asking them a sample question about nutrition and if they get the answer wrong, sliming them with oleo as they enter the exhibit.

The ‘Tunnel of Love’ type ride starts off to the tune of ‘It’s a Small World After All’ and segues into Mary Poppins ‘A Lagoon full of Sugar makes your life span go down’. Your carriage morphs from a broccoli stalk into a Pringle’s chip canoe and floats down a river of chocolate. As you’re asked to rate your favorite junk foods on a scale of 1 to 10 the chip starts to sink and just before it vanishes you jump off into a gingerbread gym and are met by a Richard Simmons look alike, who makes you ‘Sweat to the Oldies’ before you can leave the ride.

The Union of Concerned Snackers (UCS) immediately took umbrage and proclaimed, “How dare Disney mock this great big nation. Snacking at a theme park is an American tradition like cooking with lard”.

Fat Albert joined Tweedledum and Tweedledee, who responded through their lawyer and said, “We were drawn large and that’s the size of it. Sometimes, no matter what you say to the artist, you just can’t slim down no matter what you do.

The world class destination, caught in a whirlwind of controversy responded with a total ban on the sale of snack foods from its theme parks on alternate Thursdays between 6AM and 9AM when the moon is in Scorpio.