Only six days after Department of Agriculture secretary Sonny Perdue was in office, he announced Monday that he would roll back Obama-era school nutrition standards. “Why should school children eat decent food? They’ll only be better equipped to learn, and then they’ll want to vote against people like me.

Some of the new rules will break down minimum acceptable doses of high fructose corn syrup. “Too many nutrient-void, calorie-rich foods like sugary drinks, refined sugary grain products like cakes, cookies and pies are getting a bad rap” he said.

“We think kids need that ‘boost’ in the morning to get them going. Let the teachers deal with the aftermath when students start ‘crashing’ at 10AM. The High fructose Corn Syrup Council (HFCSC) has informed us that sugar in any form is a vital nutrient for a healthy mind. Don’t ask your doctor!” he chided.

“I’m not going to ‘sugar coat’ this” smirked school teacher and dietary aide Belinda McNamara. “Elementary age children should have at least a full cup of HFCS equivalent to 8 to 10 ‘fun size’ bags of Cheetos® or Cheez Doodles® before starting school. This fools the brain into thinking it has had a nutritious meal. Of course if they’re eating the ‘puffed’ variety, they’ll need much more.

It would be cost prohibitive to test the student’s sugar levels every day. We don’t really know if the kids have been getting their HFCS unless they have orange fingers. That’s something we can easily track.

Since the 1970s, the childhood obesity rate in the US has more than tripled, a trend that the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act was created to reverse.