Every five years the U.S. Department of Agriculture and the Department of Health and Human Services issues new federal food guidelines.

This edition includes a daily regimen of 5 eight ounce cups of regular coffee. “That would serve to increase productivity for the economy” said Federal spokesperson Hal Menomeny. “If people are moving faster as a result of the caffeine, think of how much more work we can get out of them.” Miami coffee drinkers scoffed at the amount. “That’s the equivalent of a single cafecito” Said Julio ‘Speedy’ Ortega, a bicycle messenger, during one of his 12 to 15 daily stops at a sidewalk cafecito stand. The Tea Producers of America (TPA) immediately issued a press release which stated that Americans need more tea in their diet.

Cutting back on meat and adopting more environmentally-sustainable eating habits was included among the USDA suggestions.

The American Meat Council of American Meat Producers in America (AMCAMPA) immediately issued a press release stating that 3 servings of American meat per day could be “Just what this country needs” said meat man Joe Braithwaite.”

Most startling rules for school children will break down minimum acceptable doses of high fructose corn syrup. For example Elementary age children should have at least a full cup of HFCS equivalent to 7 to 10 ‘fun size’ bags of Cheetos® or Cheez Doodles® before starting school to be able to fool the brain into thinking it has had a nutritious meal. “We don’t really know if the kids have been getting their HFCS unless they have orange fingers,” said school teacher Belinda McNamara, “That’s something we can easily track.” 24 to 36 ounces of soda is also acceptable with Mountain Dew® being at the top of that list.

“Too many nutrient-void, calorie-rich foods like sugary drinks, refined sugary grain products like cakes, cookies and pies and high sodium processed foods are getting a bad rap” according to USDA spokesperson Stephanie Bilbough. “We think kids need that ‘boost’ in the morning to get them going. Let the teachers deal with the aftermath when students start ‘crashing’ at 10AM.”

Just look for the 'orange fingers'

Just look for the ‘orange fingers’