Alan and Donna Brauer wrote a very fascinating book, “Better, Safer Sexual Intimacy and Extended Orgasmic Response.” Here’s what they found and reported:
- The average human orgasm (not lovemaking) lasts only ten seconds
- The average frequency of sexual intercourse for most couples is once or twice a week
At the same time, sex researchers Cauthery and Cole, authors of The Fundamentals Of Sex, report that it’s possible for some women to orgasm up to 100 times in an hour.
While I am certainly no mathematician, the simple arithmetic here suggests that based on this book, the average couple experiences about 20 seconds of actual orgasm (not lovemaking) each week. That means each month, most couples have about one and one-half minutes of peak sexual excitement (no, not lovemaking). Your average next door neighbor, the average couple with whom you car pool, and the average couple in line next to you at the movie theater, experience about 18 minutes of sexual climax (right, not lovemaking) each year. For the average couple who celebrates 50 years of marriage, that means they have had about 15 hours of sexual orgasm over that time period.
All that worry, planning, hoping and fantasizing…for less than two minutes per month. Whew. Of course, we hope that your romance allows more time to enjoy each other, especially for hugging. It’s been shown that a good hug, which is after all, another form of non-verbal communication, transfers lots of energy and results in a very real lift to your mood. It’s been observed that four hugs a day are required for “survival” In fact, marriages can go to the “marriage hall of fame” with 5 positive conections or events to every 1 negative connection or event, and that’s not necessarily sexual contact. Kind words, deeds, touch are what the researchers are talking about.
Yet, such a seemingly small amount of time provides so much “glue” to a relationship. Lingerie, roses, candlelit dinners, and romance – all of these are necessary for these 18 minutes a year. And billions of dollars each year are spent to keep anticipation, mystery and excitement alive.
After all, the health and relationship benefits of a positive sexual relationship have long been noted. Health benefits include:
- Improves immunity
- Enhances heart halth and reduces likelihood of heart disease (men who make love at least twice weekly are 45% less likely to develop heart disease than those who do so once a month or less)
- Reduces blood pressure
- It’s a terrific form of exercise
- It can improve your sleep
- It is a stress reducer
- It improves bladder control for women and may reduce the risk of prostate cancer for men
- It’s a natural pain reducer
- It turbocharges your libido
Want to add fuel to your relationship? You must be willing to talk with your partner, telling him or her what you like and don’t like. And as important as talking, listening, is even more important. The point of communication is connection. Listen carefully enough to be able to mirror what the other person said. “I hear you saying…” Then be able to validate why it makes sense what the other person is expressing, “It makes sense that you’d think that or want that or feel that since….” Finally, being able to listen enough to understand what the other person is feeling, through empathisizing is critical for closeness, “And I imagine what you are feeling is….”
So many couples are awkward about sharing their likes and dislikes, their fantasies, in and out of the bedroom. Don’t be. That is, if you want more than your 18 minutes a year of sexual orgasm (right again, not lovemaking).
You must also be willing to deepen your intimacy by reacquainting yourself with your partner in ways that you have long forgotten. Share your hopes and dreams, and listen to his or hers. Ask questions. Listen for answers.
Break out of your routines. Imagine what your relationship looks like from your partner’s perspective. How are you willing to change?
Give to your partner what he or she wants, not what you want to give.
Go on a date with your partner.
Ask yourself daily, “What can I do for him or her today?” Then be sure to do it.
Make a list of sexual activities each of you would really like to try, thereby creating a safe playground for the two of you. Try some of the things on each other’s list.
Give each other non-sexual physical affection.
Give without regard for what you are getting.
Focus on being affectionate regardless of whether or not your partner is in return.
Remember that men want sex. Women want foreplay.
Ask for what you want. Ask your partner what he or she wants. Give it to each other.
Make sure you make time for sexual pleasure with each other. Schedule an hour or so of time alone, relaxed time, quality time.
Yes, it’s important to exercise, heat a healthy diet, eliminate sugars optimize yoyur vitamin D levelsavoid smoking and excessive alcohol, and check with your doctor about choline and vitamin B5 supplements, which have all been described as boosting libido naturally.
There you have it. Like the minute and a half, I’ve kept this column short and to the point.
And you know that old excuse, “I’ve got a headache!” Well, here’s a great cure, at least for about 48% of regular headache sufferers. You guessed: an orgasm, and what’s more it works faster than painkillers! Then again, 70% of women report having faked an orgasm, so don’t blame the fake orgasm for not curing the fake headache.
Seems like a lot of effort for a couple of minutes each month. Yet, ask most men and women and they’ll tell you, these may be the most important couple of minutes in the entire month.