Florida’s new legislative session would not be complete without a proposal to openly arm every Floridian who feels their life is in danger when shopping for groceries.
“You never know when a loony will rebel against the price of adult diapers and start shooting up the ‘popcorn, charcoal and nuts’ aisle” said State Representative Bill ‘Tex’ Roper. “When that happens, don’t you want your wife to be able to defend herself and her innocent child who could be trapped in the cart under a package of extra-large paper towels?”
Despite every rational argument against it by 70% of the State’s sheriffs, The State Fraternal Order of Police and others, the NRA, through its lobbyists, would like 1.5 million residents to be able to ‘open carry’ guns.
“Each citizen will be issued a ‘guidelines to carry’ pamphlet listing where and when open carry is permissible” said NRA lobbyist Marion ‘cocked and ready’ Hammer. “That way if there’s a question, they can walk up to a person in a bar, for example, and rationally discuss any transgression by directing them to the correct page in the book. I would first ask how many drinks they’ve had” she added with a smirk.
The Florida Tourism Council wondered if visitors to the ‘family friendly’ state from abroad could identify an open carry A-hole from a regular one. The legislature promised it would fund the production of enough ‘guidelines to carry’ pamphlets and distribute them to every person and family around the world who plan to travel to the Sunshine State.
Rep. Julio Gonzalez, R-Venice called it a “God-given right to openly carry weapons.” (True). “God himself told me it was OK and not to worry.” He said “Just let me sort it out when they get here, and I hope there’s not too much blood. You know how queasy that makes me.”
“Please join us at a first ever ‘OK Corral picnic and shoot out to raise money for victims of gun violence” he said, “which will probably take place at a number of local major traffic intersections during the height of rush hour.”