After his spectacular jail break that was only expected by ‘everybody’, El Chapo’s diary was found under the silver service breakfront across from the huge flat screen next to the Barcalounger in his cell at the Altiplano maximum-security prison.

Security cameras showed him with a pencil and small note pad to pen his thoughts as he whiled away the weeks and months.

Day 1, it’s dark. It’s lonely. I have no one to blame but myself. The electric oven I had installed in the cell required more power than the entire ‘other’ cell block and we had to exchange it for a smaller one at Amazon. Should we now run power from the electric chair room or use a generator? Problemas e mucho problemas!

Day 2, this is really starting to get to me. My extended family picnic had to be rescheduled when the prison metal detector went on the fritz and they couldn’t let my ‘family’ in. On the other hand, the hacksaw cake would have never made it through security without a big payoff.

Day 3, my ‘cousin’ who is in construction told me there’s some land near the prison he could ‘get’ and start working on a tunnel. I told him the tunnel would have to be at least a mile long or it would look like a breakout. No hope there.

Day 4, damn cable went out again and I was forced to watch re-runs of Simplemente Maria in black and white. It was a long night.

Day 5, good news! We exported tons of weed to Chicago just in time for the Grateful Dead final concerts at Soldier Field. Cash now on hand!

Day 6, my cousin can’t get enough people for the tunnel project. All the Mexican workers are busy in America. Where to get workers for the tunnel? This will be a problem.

. Day 7, Big news!!! I found someone who can supply undocumented Americans. We also celebrated my one week anniversary with a piñata shaped like Donald trump’s head. It was a much needed break. I really didn’t expect to be here this long. Btw, Trump’s hair was very lifelike.

Day 8, I was able to finagle a trip to the local Costco for chips and dips. Food here leaves a lot to be desired. The one hour pass cost me thousands and they made us use Uber or it would have looked too suspicious.

Day 9, Tunnel nearing completion. This would have never been done without the cooperation of the entire staff here at Altiplano. Note to self: send thank you cards.

Elaborate tunnel hidden from most guards helped El Chapo maintain lifestyle while in prison

Elaborate tunnel hidden from most guards helped El Chapo maintain lifestyle while in prison