China’s foreign ministry has denied reports that Chinese food companies are canning human flesh and selling it in Africa as corned beef. “I’m sure people can tell the difference between corned beef and human flesh. Humans aren’t that salty” said Juang Diang Doo, a representative of the Committee to Export Flesh not from Humans.

The country’s state-run Xinhua news agency said one tabloid newspaper in Zambia was falsely quoting an unnamed woman living in China. “The woman won’t be hard to find” said Chen Hua Wee, a spokesperson for the Committee to Root out Evil. “Among the billions of women here, there’s bound to be one with a chip on their shoulder.”

The woman’s blog stated that Chinese firms were collecting dead human bodies, marinating them and packing them in tins. Chinese spokesman Hong Liou said the reports were “irresponsible”. “They weren’t marinated, they were pickled. And how did that blog get past the censors?

Ever since we started adding lead into baby food, the world wants to condemn us.

Since rural workers have limited education and almost no knowledge of hygiene and sanitation, how would they even know the difference between let’s say, a corned beef sandwich and someone’s dead rotting flesh? The learning curve is too high. Also corned beef is more expensive.”