The average American adult makes about $48,000 a year. After paying 25% in taxes, you’re left with $36,000 to spend. You’ve heard a million different ways to magically make more money, and they all stink. Earning more is great, but this is an exercise in enumerating all the ways you didn’t lose. Imagining how wealthy you could be is overrated. Let’s recognize 5 bad expenditures that other people have to shed light on how broke you aren’t.
18% of Americans smoke regularly, and in an effort to make up for the rest of us, they smoke a pack a day. A pack a day costs them 5,000 dollars a year. Holy shit. Five grand? Pull up your bank statement, now subtract 5,000 from that number. If you thought you were broke before, now you’re in massive debt. You’d have to get a second (or third) job and starting hustling back and forth just to make ends meet. Say goodbye to your free time. No more movies, walks through the park, or villainous plotting outdoor barbeques. You’ve got nothing left to relax you except the pack of stress relievers that got you into this mess.
Ok, now take a deep breath. Luckily, you can do this since you don’t regularly inhale tar. Don’t you feel so much better about your life now that you realize how bad things could’ve been?
Cocaine costs $500 a line, based on wild speculation. It also causes you to stay awake longer, which is problematic because studies show that 98% of wasteful purchases happen while awake. The other 2% is made up of sleep-walkers with Amazon Prime. The resulting costs of repairing the holes you punched in the walls and the inevitable court fees will add up quicker than you’d think.
Don’t worry, that’s no you. Wanna feel good about your non-cocaine addiction? I bet you don’t grind your teeth. Look at that beautiful smile! No need for costly dental procedures to restore your worn away enamel! Have you ever gotten yourself indebted to a Colombian druglord? No? Good job! You’ve really avoided a lot of pitfalls in life.
3. Lottery Tickets
Subtract the price of a lottery ticket from your account. Now add back your expected return of 0.0000001 dollars. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no enemy of the lottery. I love that the fact that no matter who you are, anyone with a few bucks and a heart full of hope can turn their life around by blowing money on the lottery.
Cheers to you for staying away from the sweepstakes. You don’t live in Vegas, so you shouldn’t be gambling every day. Then again, what would your bank account look like with that 36 million from the Powerball?
Having a kid is just like buying a lottery ticket. There’s a chance it’ll be the crowning achievement of your existence, but there’s one thing for sure, it’s gonna cost you. Financially supporting a child is the equivalent of starting a fire and never letting it die. You have to constantly keep an eye on it without sleeping, and feed it every two hours with a bundle of cash to keep it going. Diapers and baby formula cost an arm and leg, and college tuition costs a kidney and a brain stem. By the time this kid becomes independent, you won’t have any body parts left for your retirement.
Give yourself a pat on the back for realizing that condoms and restraint cost slightly less than day care and shattered dreams.
Girlfriends cost money. By my calculations, a meal for two costs twice as much as a solo session. Having a girlfriend comes with a whole laundry list of extra costs: fancy dinners, drinks, movie tickets, your other friendships, birthday/Valentine’s/Christmas presents, couples therapy fees, your sense of optimism, etc.
I know what you’re gonna say, “Don’t you want a significant other in life who you could see yourself raising a family with?” NO! WRONG! DIDN’T YOU READ THE PART ABOUT KIDS?! Sometimes I feel like you’re not even listening.
Looking back on the list, you oughta be proud. You had so many chances to muck it up. Now get out there and embrace your newly appreciated disposable income!