Okay, none of us are champions in dating because really if we were, we wouldn’t be on these sites because we would have found our partner and are too busy living happily ever after to be surfing the depths of online dating. I’ve done online dating in a plethora of ways for the past three years on and off. I have met the good, the bad, the crazy and the certifiable, but I also did meet a few nice guys too that it just wasn’t right for either of us.

And in that time, I have seen guys make a lot of stupid mistakes that just kill their chances of ever meeting someone on there for anything meaningful. Or even just for a first date. So here you are, a view into the mind of a woman.

Here it is guys, the keys to the kingdom or better known as the five big no-no’s of online dating:

5.) “I’m a musician!” – Okay, there are some people out there that can make a comfortable living with their music, art and writing, however, for the most part, this is not true. And it kills me when you start talking to a guy and you ask them what they do and they go, “Well, I was in a band, I’m a musician!” That’s not a job nor is it a career. It’s a hobby, one that you don’t even seem to be doing anymore to even make it into a job or career one day. Admit that you’re working retail and have no clue about your life plan yet, it’s okay.

4.) The “Look at me I’m holding a baby!” picture – First off, I’m going to think the kid is yours. And if I’m not that taken by you on first glance, chances are I’m not going to keep reading to find out the relation of that child to you. And then if I did keep reading, and it’s like your niece, nephew, randomly borrowed friend’s child, I’m just going to think it’s weird. You think that picture is screaming “look at me, I am so awesome that I love kids,” but in reality it’s just weird. A borrowed kid means you eventually give it back and it doesn’t show any time or commitment to anything on your part. Congratulations, you can hold a baby…I am unimpressed.

3.) The “look at my hot bod” pictures – It just shows how into yourself you are and how uninterested I am. It also screams that you’re looking for booty and not for anything beyond that. Those pictures just scream jerk and send many running in the opposite direction. Generally, if you make a profile all about you to the point where you come off as self-absorbed, it’s a no-go for most women.

2.) Toys. Pictures of toys, pictures with toys and talk of toys –I’m a nerd, I get it. I have a Jane Austen action figure that’s still in the wrapping. That’s probably the nerdiest thing I will ever cop to, but I have it, it exists. I get the nerd factor. However, I do not post that anywhere on an online dating site and she lives in a box in my closet. So, to post that stuff in any of the above mentioned ways sends one clear message: man-child! And nobody wants to hookup with, date or even attempt to get serious about a man-child because in reality we just wind up being a mom and who wants to mother a full-grown man? No one. Ditch the toys.

1.) I’m just going to not put anything out there, ever – I am always leery of profiles that are not filled out or have obscure pictures where you can’t see anything or are like of a shoe. I mean what’s the point?  And what are you hiding? Why are you on an online dating site, regularly signing in if you’re not looking for something? And if you are looking for something why not put effort into it? The only message you’re sending me is that you aren’t serious, you’re not one for effort and if it’s not that then you’re probably married or in a relationship and that’s why you’re hiding because you don’t want your significant other to find out about your extra-curriculars. Same goes with guys that just fill everything out with “I’m a private person, so just ask!” No, I don’t want to ask. Tell me.